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Solving The Spam

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Author: Ed Williams


Notice how you cringe up just a tad when you read that word? I sure do. For our purposes here, we're not talking about the well known food product known as Spam. I know that kind of Spam gets made fun of sometimes, but I actually like eating it. Some thinly cut slices slapped between two pieces of bread with some mayo worked into it is not a bad sandwich. Not a bad sandwich at all. But, for this week's epistle we're not talking about Spam de la ham, we're talking about computer generated spam. And I know that y'all have to be cringing for real right about now.

Most of y'all out there know what computer spam is - it's those disgusting advertisement emails that get sent to your computer from literally all over the world. The emails that you never ask for, the ones that just show up. Just today, I took a look at a program that I use to filter email. It shows me how much of my email is composed of spam, and how much is legit. For the past month alone, the spam that has come into my computer comprises 88% of all the emails that I've received. That's right, 88%! Doesn't that make y'all want to gag, it makes me want to cuss more than a short changed streetwalker. And to give y'all an idea about the nature of some of these "spams," here are the actual titles of a few that have come just while I was writing this column:

  • "Alternative to Viagra."
  • "Stop paying for your mature adult channels."
  • "Get medication online and save."
  • "Rolex, Cartier replicas - look like the real thing."
  • "My husband is gone, and party is my middle name."
  • "Confirm your South Beach Diet cookbook delivery."
  • "Work at home, stay bored, but get paid."
  • "Weight loss pills, muscle relaxants, and more."
  • "How often does a deal like this fall on your lap?"
  • "Auto Loans - Bad credit, no credit, no problems!"
  • "Better than Botox - Hydroderm Beverly Hills!"
  • "Make red light cameras ineffective!"

See what I mean? And these are just a few examples, I would've never been able to type out even one day's worth of these spam email titles in time to get this column out. That's how bad this problem has become.

To his credit, I've noticed here in Georgia recently that Governor Perdue has noted this problem, and is trying to get something going that will help all of us internet users out. I sure wish him all kinds of luck in this endeavor. And, I wouldn't be a good citizen if I didn't offer up some suggestions for him to consider as to what to do for punishment for people convicted of sending spam out here in Georgia:

  1. For six months they should have to watch endless repeats of every Miss Cleo commercial ever made, or listen to Perry Como songs or Carrot Top monologues for the exact same period of time.

  2. They should be forced to stand inside a Krispy Kreme restaurant while the doughnuts are being made, but never be allowed to take a bite of one.

  3. They should have to walk up to Zell Miller and tell him to his face that he's too passive about his political views.

  4. They should have to go to the City of Macon and stay there until they get all their financial records straightened out.

  5. They should have to eat raisin bran for breakfast, chili dogs for lunch, Mexican food for dinner, and then go out for an evening at the opera.

  6. They should have to walk up to any woman who has big ankles and tell her.

See? Don't y'all think that one of these six options would straighten out those spammers? The best thing about them would be that Governor Perdue could use any of them and not add to the overcrowding of our jails. That's always a good thing. After all, we don't want to throw spammers in jail with real hardcore criminals like politicians, lawyers, modeling school proprietors, and Michael Jackson, now do we?

Ed's latest book, "Rough As A Cob," can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He's also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at:, or through his web site address at:

About the author

Ed was born June 19, 1956, to Ed and Barbra Williams in Forsyth, Georgia. He was raised in Juliette and is a proud product of the Monroe County public school system. He graduated from Mary Persons High School in 1974, obtained an Associate's degree from Gordon College in 1976, a BBA from Georgia College and State University in 1978, and an MBA in 1991 from the same university. He and his family currently reside in Macon, Georgia.

Ed's life took a decided turn in 1995 when he bought a home computer and began writing down wild old stories about his upbringing in Juliette.These stories, through an unusual series of events, were published in 1998 in hardback under the title, "Sex, Dead Dogs, and Me: The Juliette Journals."

Ed's book started out in four bookstores in Macon, Georgia - through word of mouth and the internet eight months later he was being stocked nationally in the Books A Million chain, and other large bookstore chains were also considering stocking him. Ed's second book has recently been released, entitled "Rough As A Cob: More of The Juliette Journals." It is published by River City Publishing.

Recently, Ed has appeared on the Georgia Public Radio program, "Cover to Cover", he writes a syndicated weekly newspaper column called "Free Wheelin'," and has won two prestigious online reader's poll awards for his book. He is in demand as a speaker, and is already being compared to some of Georgia's most noted humorists.

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